I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I did not marry a roomba.
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