Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
