There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Text me some of your sweat
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
