I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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