i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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