im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
