cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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