she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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