It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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