He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Randomize
