After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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