I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
