Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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