you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Found the puke drawer
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
