Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
