Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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