just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
