I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
