Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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