if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
How external is "for external use only"?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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