he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I wish you could order shots online.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
