why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
