You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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