i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
