All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
