I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
