If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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