Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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