Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
