Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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