Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
