did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
