Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
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