Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
