the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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