I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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