Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
