I faked an abortion last night.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
