Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
