there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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