I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
