how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
