I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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