The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
