I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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