Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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