I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Randomize