Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
