I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
