You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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