Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
