This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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