I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
