I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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