She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
