Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
