dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
